I just can’t do it again.

Originally, I planned to post something I’ve been wanting to talk about and something I’m proud. But emotionally I’m a mess, and balling my eyes out right now and can’t do that. So instead, I am going to put out my feelings.

My grandmother’s been sick lately. And this week, it was bad. She doesn’t sound like herself. Even though she went to the doctor, they dont know whats wrong and didnt do anything. , instead asking her to come back. Every single time I speak to her lately, she keeps on saying she will die soon or that she wont live long. Hearing her say that is slowly breaking me.

I know that death is a part of life. But I dont think I can do it again. I’ve barely gotten myself back together after losing my uncle 2 years and I’m finally in a place that I am comfortable with mentally. Hearing her say those words, brings me back to that dark place where I was hurting myself and always crying.

I know that everyone is supposed to die at some point but I haven’t seen my grandmother in a year and half. There are no flights to travel there and I dont have a visa so I can’t connect through the US. My grandmother was the one who raised me and she’s been there with me through everything. She’s more than a mother to me than a grandmother.

I am terrified right now. I just can’t do it again.