This month, I barely touched my blog. And its not because I was busy. Instead, my depression was really bad. The past few weeks, I have been in the biggest slump and my motivation to do anything just isn’t there. So barely blogged, which isn’t like me. Honestly, if it wasn’t for things I had to do or was forced to do, I probably would not have gotten out of bed.
Just a bit of a summary of whats going on and why this may be happening:
- This month was my uncle’s birthday, next month makes it 2 years since he got sick and June marks 2 years since his death. And it is really hard for me this time of year.
- Ontario went back into lockdown at the beginning of this month. The city I live in, was out of lockdown for a week before things shut down again. Not only do I live in a city with high cases, I live in the postal code with the highest covid rates. The government is trying to be strict with their measures, but I honestly don’t think its even working.
- Honestly, I think the government fucked up with the vaccine rollout. The shipments are always delayed and the places that are hardhit are not the places that are getting vaccinated. Yes, they recently put pop-ups in place, but the city I live in, doesn’t have that established yet. Some places that do have it, the lines are long and there are shortages. The one pop up vaccination clinic in my city, filled 7000 spots in 2 hours. The demand is there, the vaccine isn’t. My economics brain calls that excess demand.
- With our lovely 3rd wave, I haven’t seen my grandparents and honestly, I do not know when next I will be seeing them. As far as I know, there are no direct flights there. Not being home, not seeing them has been hard on me.
- Like a lot of people, I have gained weight in quarantine. For the first time in a while, I have been hating the way I look and my clothes don’t fit. I no longer feel pretty and would rather hide in my room where no one can see me in my pyjamas.
So ya girl is depressed and feels ugly.
If there is anything I learned its that Costco poutine is pretty good. If you have never poutine, its a Canadian food thats basically french fries, cheese curds and gravy. And getting it from Costco means that its affordable and big.I got poutine 3 times this month, so it kind of makes sense that my clothes don’t want to fit me anymore. New York Fries poutine is my favourite, but their locations are at the mall, and we’re in a lockdown. Its closed. So Costco poutine will do.
My depression has unfortunately affected my productivity this month. I have been in a reading slump and have only finished 1 book – Condemned to Love by Siobhan Davis. Its not that I do not want to read, its that my attention just isn’t there. I am 30% into A Vow of Hate by Lylah James, 17% into A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness, 10% into Vicious by VE Schwab and 50% into The Spanish Love Deception by Elena Armas. The last thing I want to do is give a book a lower rating because my depression made it hard to enjoy the book.
This month, I have put off editing the microinsurance paper that I talk about all the time. I explained to the editor what was going on, and I’m grateful of how understanding they are. But its something that I need to sit down and get done because so much time has already been put into this project.
I will admit that I have been watching a lot of youtube and tv lately. I have watch 4 seasons of Brothers and Sisters, which is a tv show from a few years ago. Disney Plus has been getting my attention lately. They have a lot of things that I loved and I get to rewatch what made me happy years ago. When it comes to Youtube, I have been loving videos of a german Shepard called Zeus Howard. I never wanted a German Shepard before, but now I kind of want one. There are also videos from a dog groomer called a Girlswithdogs. I have never been interested in grooming dogs before but here videos have caught my eye. Plus her voice is so soothing. There’s also Milad who works at Subway, creating videos and telling stories while making people’s sandwiches. Thats basically where my time has gone this month.
Anyway, I know this is a lot, but that was April for me. I am sorry I talked about having depression so much, but thats my life and thats my blog. Putting this information out there, people might judge me and you know what I am okay with that because mental health is important. And at least I can recognized when I’m struggling. The question is will you listen and understand?