Some days I wake up to scratches and cuts on me, wondering where they came from because I don’t remember hurting myself, walking into something and I don’t have a pet. However, the other day I burned a finger in the oven while trying to take out a piece of bread that we put to get warm. Be careful out there.
Tonight I have been thinking about how mental health is a strange thing. I did not ask to have anxiety and depression and I try to manage it as best as I can, but I still have those days where its out of my control. And I do not want this post to come out as complaining because I am not. Instead, I want to open up because I might not be the only person who feels this way.
A few days ago, when I talked about feeling like I can’t breath, my anxiety was bad. And after I published it, I took a 2-hour nap hoping to feel better and instead feeling worse. That night, I could barely get out of bed, felt nauseas and could not eat anything, all because of anxiety. The next day, I felt better by sleeping my entire day away and distancing myself from what made me anxious.
Last night, I was a bit anxious, just not as bad as Thursday. I just couldn’t figure out why it was happening, though there are a list of reasons [a paper I need to edit, grad school applications, possible rejection from a job interview I had 2 weeks ago, some challenge thing thats due soon, my 6th sense whenever some thing is going to happen]. And then I made it worse by going on reddit. Some subreddits are nice. I just made the dumb decision reading one about grad school admissions. And then once again, I slept my day away, not having the energy to do anything today.
And it goes back to thinking how mental health is a strange thing. I try to manage my anxiety and depression by finding ways to cope with things and not allowing it to take control of my life. But then it feels like the distraction and coping takes all my energy. I never want my my mental heath to be an excuse why I do not do something, but sometimes pushing myself comes back to haunt me. Some days I am fine and others I am not.