Lately, I have been feeling like I am drowning. I feel like I can’t breathe because there is a lot going on through my head. I don’t know how to explain it for you to understand, and I don’t want it to seem like I am complaining or going through a crisis. There’s just a lot going on that I haven’t talked about yet.
About a week ago, my grandmother fell. She’s the glue holding my family together. So, hearing this wasn’t easy and being in another country, makes us even more worried.
I think a lot of that feeling is coming from my anxiety from grad school applications. My sleep is messed up – I am either sleeping 12 hours or 4 hours. I struggled to write my statement of interest. I am not the best writer and it was a mess. I do not have the best grades. My 3rd year was messed up because my mental health was at its lowest. But I also have things other than grades which hopefully make up for it – the paper, volunteering and presentations. One of my biggest worries is the references. What if the professor does not supply the reference letters. And my biggest worry – what if I get rejected from all 3 schools that I applied to? Am I that big of a failure?
Like I said, I feel like I can’t breathe.
Arristella 
I know this feeling. Actually, I’ve been through both these experiences. And while I can’t speak for your grandmother, I can speak about the grad school process. It’s a nightmare, but the SECOND, and I mean the very second, you step foot on your future campus, you will forget about every part of the admissions process.
Also, on the rejection thing, I applied to six schools: got into two, waitlisted at two, and rejected from two. Even though it hurt, it was the best thing for me. It made my decision much easier and the school I went to was ultimately the right choice. Life has a way of helping you along and this stress and anxiety, while insurmountable now, will disappear. Even if your future doesn’t involve grad school, it will be okay. You’ll still be you and you’ve still got so much to offer the world!
If you ever want to talk, feel free to reach out. I’m more than happy to talk to you about my journey. And if you want to keep it private, my e-mail is available on my about page – no pressure though!
Best of luck on your journey! I’ll be reading along the way! 🙂
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Aww thank you for saying this. It was a sweet message.
I guess the universe was pointing you in the right direction and made it an easier choice.
I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason. When I was applying to undergrad it was a journey. With a Caribbean education background trying to apply as a domestic student, it was an expensive struggle. And in the end, I do not regret where I did my undergrad. This time around, it has been a different experience, and I am hoping that it all works out in the end.
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I understand the struggle, I do. It’s also so hard to focus on the bigger picture when it’s all that’s consuming you at that moment. But I believe you’ll arrive at what was meant for you too! 🙂
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thank you
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As for feeling like a failure, I have been there… at times, I still question whether I am cut out for any of this. My 3rd year was also awful but I refuse to let it define or identify who I am. It is in the past and that’s where it stays.
I am not sure where I learned this, but this advice helped me: Removing these labels and refusing to accept them as being a part of your identity will stop the anxiety from having power over you. Remember, your value is worth more than what your grades say. Your value is worth more than what a letter or application says.
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