I posted this on my other blog, but wanted to share it here as well because why not. I have already talked about some of this several time, but other things I have not shared, like whats going with my sleeping and why I am avoiding social media lately.
With the holidays coming up, I am struggling. Christmas has always been my favourite time of year. It feels magical and filled with family. But this year isn’t the same and the closer I get to the holidays, I am just dreading it.
Like a lot of people, I am not being with my family. And am not taking that well. I have had at least one breakdown a month, for the past few months. I always spent Christmas time with my grandparents. Even when I moved away, I spent it with them. I have always been close to them. So not being home this year is hard for everyone. There are just some things I can’t do here in Canada. There is no tropical weather, no dog to chase and annoy, no family to end up at their home eating and drinking, not being to bake and share with others or an Assou Square1 to bring in the new year. I know that one day I will have to do things on my own, but I am still appreciating the moments I have with my grandparents at my family home.
I know that it is possible to travel but its more complicated. My grandparents are older and they are at risk. But I would never, ever, ever put them at risk. They mean that much to me. Plus they would not even care since they would rather me there with them. Now seeing that I rarely leave the house, it would be safe for me. The only exposure I would have would be travelling. St.Lucia controlled covid in the beginning. But in the past few months, it went from 0 to 100 really quick. It might have either being increased testing or allowing visitors from the US, I don’t know. What I will say is that returning (me) would need to pay to quarantine at government facility for 14 days (It could be 7). It would 95 USD a night. Not only is that not their currency, I would be paying more in Canadian, I would be paying holiday flight prices (approx $900 cad one day) and need spending money. I understand the why, but their prices are ridiculous. Also seeing how I have gotten major anxiety attacks at that airport in September 2019 and December 2019, I do not have good memories travelling. So would it be worth spending almost $3000 to leave Canada with an undetermined date to come back?
Over the past few weeks my sleep schedule has been whack which has affected mood and productivity. I got to bed around 5am, even then I am not tired, instead tossing and turning and then becoming frustrated with myself. And then I end up waking up at 3/4pm obviously wasting my entire day. I have always had trouble sleeping, wake up every 2/3 hours and get startled easily. I take a small dose of melatonin to fall asleep. Sometimes it helps, others it doesn’t. I also take anxiety medication (sertraline) at night, so maybe that might be a thing but when I took it in the morning, it made me nauseas. I started sleeping with a fan blowing on me and 4 pillows which has helped to some extent. Honestly, the only thing that could fix it is being at my grandparents. Weird, but its true. I fall asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow, its extremely dark, and a reason to get up early. With all that said, if I do have to get up early, I will and won’t complain. But since I don’t I just sleep my day away because its not like anyone cares.
With this shitty feeling going on, I have kind of stopped checking social media as much as I used to. I don’t want to be seeing other people happy to pretending to be when I am completely miserable. I don’t want to be comparing myself with people who are with their family or friends or are able to travel in this pandemic. I don’t want to feel even more miserable than I already am. So I just avoid it. I rather spend my time on Youtube or Reddit. I got a switch recently, and have just been playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Its amazing. I read (or try to anyway). I catch up with tv shows or podcasts. I try to journal. Or do nonograms. Like I said, I’m just staying away from social media, even the news.
- A 2-3 day family friendly festival to ring in the New Year comes alive with culture and resonates with the sound of Christmas folk, soca and parang. With live entertainment, games and rides for kids, midnight fireworks, Assou Square has a place in history, which accounts for the significance the unique celebration holds for the average resident.