Its like 2am, I’m sad and have no one to speak to. So I am going to speak to my blog, because why not. I know that I should be asleep, but I’m not. Who knows when that will happen.
Tonight, I was in an iffy mood. Like it wasn’t that anything bad happened but nothing good happened either. I felt like I wasted my whole day
But what got to me and made it worse was thinking about Christmas. Christmas has always been my favourite time of year because it feels magical and I get to spend it with my family. Now that I moved away, I appreciate that time even more with them and the traditions that we have had for so many years.
Knowing that this year I’m not going to be with my grandparents is really fucking hard. I thought that last year was bad not having my uncle, but this year I just feel so alone. Yes I am lucky to have my mom, but my grandparents raised me and they’re more like parents to me. And its all because of a stupid virus. Yes it is possible to travel there, but it would take a miracle that I don’t have and don’t believe in anymore. The flights there are already ridiculous this time of year to go there. But the quarantine fees are even worse. The reality is I can’t afford it.
Honestly, I don’t know how I am going to survive the next few weeks. I am trying to be positive and responsible but its hard. Seeing everyone live this picture perfect life while mine is slowly falling apart is hard. I am jealous of the people who have a family or even seen their family through a window or who have a pet or those who can buy whatever they want without feeling guilty.
Some part of me wants to say fuck it and buy something that I have had my eye on for a while especially knowing that I am stuck until who knows when. But then the responsible part of me remembers that I have a student loan to start paying.