Let’s Chat [4th NOV 2020]

So tonight is just one of those nights where my brain just won’t shut up. And I now realizing that I am even more confused about what I wanted. I thought I had my shit finally figured out, but I don’t. Since I have no one to speak to about it, not that they would care, I’ll just spill everything here. So let’s chat.

Tonight I decided to attend this virtual open house for my dream graduate program. But I now think it might not be. I thought that program was going to be a mix of finance and economics, which is what I want. But the way they described where their students ended up, I don’t know if that is what I want. They seem to focus more on investment banking and asset management. I’m not saying its a bad thing because the program and school name is prestigious, but is that what I want? Plus, seeing how they are only accepting about 25 students, makes me question if I can even get in.

Now with me questioning everything, I decided to take a look at the economics program at the same school. And I saw one of my past classmates being a part of their fall 2020 class. So I think I will message her to ask her about it because I am very confused and lost about what I want. The good thing about that program is that it is a bit more diverse and they take in a bit more students.

Originally I wanted to apply to 3 grad programs, but now I am thinking of either applying to 4 programs or cutting one out. Because these applications can get very pricey. And I am selectively broke.

I will say the one thing I liked about that open house is that I liked the director of the program. The guy is ruthless. He was straight up and honest with you. Then he stayed back to have an informal chat since some of the attendees turned out to be some of his former classmates, and he is honest. Said things that would not belong as part of the formal presentation. And I have always liked and respected that personality in people.

Growing up being lied to, false promises and being made fun of I can see through the bs. Growing up around my family and neighbours, I have had to learn when filter my thoughts and hold my tongue, because if not insults, swear words and being mean comes out. On that note, it takes a lot for me to get upset. You must have really fucked up or just made my bad day even worse. I am more clumsy and slightly crazy. When I get annoyed, I just speaking to myself or the thing that made me annoyed (i.e. coding a data set). I get frustrated when shit does not work out, like when I was learning to drive a manual transmission vehicle.

Honestly, I have no idea how I ended up here. Its after 11pm, my eyes hurt for some weird reason so I will close all these information pages, get into pyjamas, write in my journal, continue reading “The Cruel Prince” by Holly Black and hope that none of what I said comes back to bite me in the ass.