I want to open up about some things right now because I am sad and feel alone. It might be held against me. It might be complaining or overreacting. Honestly, I don’t care because its life, I have no one to talk to and its 2020.
I can’t get into my National Student Loan Service Centre (NSLSC) because I can’t remember my security questions and answers. They changed up the login process a few months ago because there was a hack. That’s understandable. I am just frustrated with myself, because record all my passwords and security question and answers. But for the life of me, I do not know what it is and where I put it. I don’t even know when I made those answers. Was it 2016 or 2018? What did I title the document if its not in my notes app? So now I need to call them, which might not be a big deal for most people. Unfortunately I am not normal and do not like speaking on the phone. What makes it worse is that I know I have to be on the call for hours to just get to get it reset. Being an adult is fun. Also going through all my files around that time is hard because it reminds me of that dark time with my aunts death, my depression and starting to hurt myself. Its like today is not the day.
At this point, I am not sure which one is worse, getting rejected or getting ghosted. Because I never hear back from any applications that I sent in. And even if I do hear back, getting an answer 2/3 months later that they went with someone else. I already knew, why waste your time. People always talk abut how the job search is depressing but they never talk about how overwhelming it is. So many things get posted every single day, and even if I may not have every single thing they are looking for, I still try if the role is interesting. And I end letting things go because cannot apply to everything. I am not about to submit 10 applications in a day just for the sake of applying. I would rather take my time and submit a day. But it also makes me think, am I applying because I want the job or am I desperate for experience? I do not know anymore.
Plus, I am here struggling with deciding with whether or not I want to grad school next year. Because I have to make up my mind. I want to go, but I can I afford it? The application fees are already wiping my savings. My limited finances limits my options because I can only stay in the GTA. Don’t get me wrong, I love the GTA but I didn’t get the university experience of living on my own. Looking at the current students and alumni the other night of the program I am interested in made me feel really down. Am I not smart enough? Is the color of my skin going to be a barrier to getting a graduate degree? Even though I may have gone to different school, it was a similar situation. The majority of classmates were international east asian students. Even the graduate students. And I am not against international students or east asian people, it just feels like economics lacks diversity. Even though I go to a different school, it would be the same thing. And I enjoy learning about finance and economics, so when I go to grad school it is going to be centred around that.
I speak to my grandmother every single night and one of her favourite questions to ask me is “have I gotten my PR card yet“. I was hoping to avoid that question . I thought telling her the truth would have saved me a conversation, but it didn’t. Now a lot of her questions are whether I can or cannot travel because she wants me back. She starts on about Christmas, how she has money for me (which she does because I pay one of the bills), that other people can travel. And then she starts on about how I haven’t gotten a job yet. I love speaking to my grandmother, but talking about the things that are already making me sad, does not help. The other day I brought it up with my mom, she was pissed because she was never a fan of me going back and forth.
Heres the thing, I really want to go back. I am tired and miserable here. I am really trying to be positive, but there is only so much I have left in me. There is only so much more I can keep on pretending. I think my body is officially giving up on me. I have been forcing myself to eat lately, the things that sounded appetizing to me sounds disgusting. My sleeping has gone from bad, to there’s not hope anymore. Lately I have been going to bed at 6am, and that’s after melatonin and forcing my brain to shut off.
As much as I want to travel, I can’t afford the quarantine fee. And yes there’s a quarantine fee, on top of the flight and spending money. If I am going over there, as a national I have to quarantine at a facility for 7-14 days. I cannot do it at my grandparents home. There are two options; either stay at a covid-approved resort which is around $200 USD to $600 USD a night or the government facility for $95 USD a night. Not only am I broke, it will cost me more than my flight and it is in USD which means I pay more in Canadian. I can barely afford the application fees, so can I afford to travel? Do I have at least $2000 CAD to travel and quarantine over there. Does not include: spending money or monthly expenses. I am not trying to blame them because I understand it is costly, but it is not in their currency and they don’t know what customer service is. Lets just say they have been rude on more than one occasion to me and have given me 2 panic attacks in 2019.
It might seem like I overreacting, but you have to understand that I have to homes. Think of it this way, my body split in two, half of it in Canada, half of it in St.Lucia. That is honestly the best way to describe it. Although I am here, I keep up with whats going on there, and when I am there I keep up on whats over here. Birthdays, holidays, death, politics.
You have to understand that my grandparents were the ones to raise me. I lived with them the moment I was brought home from the hospital. I followed my grandfather where he went, before I was a year old. He was my father figure. After my mom left my grandmother took care of me. She was there was when I sick, for graduations, parent-teacher conferences and meetings and dropped me off at the airport. My uncles were the closest thing I had to an older brother. My dog was the one that got me through the death of my uncle and aunt. When I came home from the burial, he cheered me up. He got me through grief, depression and bad days. He was the only one who put a cheered me up and made me feel better. I haven’t seen any of them since January. This has been the longest time I haven’t seen them or been home. I know I have my mother, but its not the same. I didn’t only leave a family behind, a left a community that raised me. And its hard not knowing if I will ever see any of them again. I just feel so alone here.