The Reason I am Afraid of Police

Sometimes the stories that are the hardest to tell are the ones that we need to share. These stories can shape our lives and our minds, and the only way to move on is to talk about it.

When I shared that story for that the time last year on my instagram it felt like a weight had been taken off me. Unfortunately it backfired and it made me rethink sharing things on the internet, and having family on your social media. Lets just say my cousin told her mom, who told my grandmother who called my mom about that post. Family right?

Even with all that, today I am sharing why I am afraid of police. I know that my thoughts are safe here with no one judging me.

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Today marks 5 years, so it’s time to tell my side of the story of what changed me. If you’ve ever been woken up by a loud noise, let me just tell you it’s not fun. In my case, I woke up to police entering my house with a search warrant at 5 am. Let’s just say they found nothing so it was just a waste of everyones time. Don’t even know what they were looking for to be honest but it wasn’t in the house. However, 5 years later it still affects me one way or the other. I remember the banging on the door , and being terrified in my room, in the dark not knowing what was going on outside. I heard the voices but couldn’t figure out what they were saying, till they opened my room to search. Still they found nothing. And after they searched the house and left, I prepared myself like every other day and went to school. That day I acted like everything was okay, but it wasn’t and never told a soul. Normal people would have just forgotten about the incident. However, it fucked me up ever since. Since then I stopped sleeping through the night with any little noise waking me up immediately. Someone knocking on the door loudly scares the living shit out of me. I am terrified of police and shut down emotionally whenever I see them. There’s my anxiety which explains why traveling is hard for me particularly in St. Lucia. For months I had nightmares and was afraid of the dark. Sirens and alarms scared the living shit out of me. You have to admit those are not normal fears, but I have to deal with them every single day. Especially since I live in the GTA now. I know that not all police are terrible. However I probably will never trust them. I can’t emphasize with them because my experience and memory with St. Lucian police, is all bad. 5 years later I don’t hold a grudge. But I can’t forget what happened when it affects me every single day. You can judge me however much you want. I don’t care because I’m the one who is terrified, the one with anxiety and the one on SSRIs (antidepressants). And yes that’s younger me. . . . . . . . . . #memories #fears #anxiety #mentalhealthawareness #storytime #5years #5yearsago

A post shared by Aaliah Joseph (@aaliahjoseph) on Sep 24, 2019 at 7:35am PDT

Six years ago, the police conducted a search warrant at my home at 5am. They were there for about an hour and found absolutely nothing. I do not remember what the search warrant said, but it was bogus. They searched my room, obviously finding absolutely nothing. And the police officer made a comment about how my room was extremely messy. Sorry that I was just a 17 year old a-level student for an exam she had a few days later.

Fun fact 1: they don’t exactly clean up after themselves, they leave the mess for you to do so.

Fun fact 2: My granduncle who lived next to us, said that he saw them coming and thought it was a group of thieves. What else do you expect in the dark.

Fun fact 3: They surrounded the house, and destroyed one of my grandmother’s flowers.

Fun fact 4: My uncle stood outside the house while all of this was happening because they could not enter. So it was only my grandparents and me.

When they left, I went about my day acting as if nothing happened. I never told a soul. On the outside I was fine, on the inside I was a wreck. I became afraid of the dark, always had nightmares and startled by any little noise. The moment I ever saw a police officer or police vehicle I froze because the memories came back instantly. Barely two months later I had my first real anxiety attack.

Six years later, I am still a mess. Thankfully I am not afraid of the dark anymore and there are no nightmares. But sudden noises scare me, especially alarms or sirens which says a lot because I live close to a firehouse. I still freeze near police. My anxiety is always heightened around police and traveling.

There might be good police around, but I find it hard to believe. I cannot empathize for them. I can never defend them. Speaking about them hurts my soul because they do not deserve any attention.

My experience may have been different and may have happened elsewhere but it doesn’t take away from changing me.

Fun fact 5: this was caused my a relative of ours who worked for the police who had a grudge against my grandfather. Yeah I know right? Since my grandfather has friends who are in the police force, we found out.

Edit:

The police said they looking for a gun my grandfather had. They said he had not paid the gun license in years.

When I was about 5 my grandfather had gun. I only saw it once and I think he got rid of it after that. It was locked away and not in plain sight. When I was 9/10 someone broke into my grandfather’s vehicle during the day. Things were taken, that includes his gun license, ID and vehicle license. Obviously, the theft was reported.

So for them to claim that was why they were there searching our house was dumb. What was even more interesting was that while they said they were looking for one thing, the warrant said a completely thing.