Christmas is almost 3 months away

So I just looked at the calendar only to realize that Christmas is almost 3 months away. And I started to become sad.

Christmas has always been my favourite holiday and time of year. It just feels so magical. It makes me happy seeing the decorations and christmas trees, even that first snowfall. I love watching those cheesy christmas movies, listening to christmas songs and eating what you want without feeling guilty. Its one of the only times of the year that I cook and bake. I do not care about the gifts, I only care about spending it with my family.

Ever since I was little, I spent it with my grandparents in my childhood home. So knowing that I might not this year is really really hard. I thought last year was hard since it was the first Christmas without my uncle. And yes, it was because his spirit was there even though he wasn’t and you remember him in everything you do. But this year is worse because I don’t think I will be seeing them. I don’t know if I will be able to travel. And it fucking hurts.

All I want is to see them, and spend time with them. I want to laugh. Play with my dog and annoy him till he’s tired of me. Fight with my uncle over food or go out with him. Sleep in my childhood bedroom. See the faces of family and friends that I haven’t seen since I left.

I know I have my mom. I know I am lucky for that. But its not the same. She didn’t raise me. And even though we are becoming closer, I feel like I am losing every one in my life. And I don’t want to.

I am trying to be positive, not overthink and be grateful for everything. But its really hard seeing that life seems to keep on knocking me down. I don’t know how much longer I can stand still before I fall. I don’t know how long till I have a mental breakdown that I don’t recover from.

I feel stuck. I know that borders are open and you can somewhat travel. But my grandparents are old and I don’t want to get them sick. If I leave, I would not be able to come back to Canada since my pr card expired and the new one hasn’t come in yet. And one of my worst fears traveling in this pandemic is for the borders to be closed again and not being able to come back to Canada when I am ready which leads to a whole set of other worries.

But I also don’t know if I can spend it here.