Earlier today my mom asked me if I was okay?
I was actually surprised by her question because either I have become terrible at hiding my feelings or she noticed I wasn’t being myself.
So am I okay?
Honestly, I do not know how to answer that. Something is off with me for sure, but I do not know what. Physically I am fine, mentally not so much.
The past few days I have been falling asleep between 5 and 6am and waking up around 3:30-4pm. Yes you read that right. At first, I blamed it on the paper, but now I am not so sure. After I wake up, I do not bother getting out of bed. I watch Youtube. Lately I have been watching Alexa and Katie on Netflix. Good show. I may have watched the entire of season 3 today, and starting 4 right now. I have barely had an appetite and I have been showering past midnight. And none of this is me.
I feel like I am in this weird space of depression with a hint of suicidal thoughts.
Over the past few weeks, I have been keeping myself busy, with job applications, journalling, reading, the stupid paper that I can’t shut up about, to take my mind off things. So when it comes back, it comes back with a vengeance.
The hardest part of everything is not seeing my dog. And you might be thinking what does a dog have to do with that, unless you are a pet owner. He’s my rock. I got him when I hated my life and was going through a lot, to take care of my grandparents when I was living. He has gotten me through both my uncle and my aunts deaths. He cheers me up when I am sad, calms me , protects me, keeps me company.
I know that with borders opening I can travel back there, but just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. I am smarter than that. Its not an emergency and my grandparents are old. I am not risking their health just to go see them. Plus my permanent residence card is almost expired. I have sent in the renewal application, but haven’t gotten it back. So if I leave, I can’t come back, unless I spend another fee for a one time use document. Plus, being here I have access to my health insurance and bank account, compared to when I am over there I pay everything out of pocket.
I think the constant rejections are starting to get to me. I try not to take it personally, but its really starting to make me question myself. I am good enough? Am I a waste of time? Does the universe hate me? I try to believe that everything happens for a reason and that God is looking out for me, but it is hard. It feels like everyone is getting their life back together or something good is happening, while you are being knocked down or given the short end of the stick. I want something good to happen to me too