A few days ago I made a post talking about how I was stressed and overwhelmed with the things going on in my life. Almost a week later, mostly everything has worked out. And hopefully by tomorrow it will done and gone.
A lot of those feelings came from a research paper that I did last year for a class, which I am currently revising so I could submit to a journal. I want to get my paper published, but it is competitive. They are only choosing 10 out of possibly 50 submissions. Although my research is different and original, I am not the best writer, so I am doubting myself. But I also put a lot of pressure to get it the best it can be, because thats who I am. I have spent so many hours going through that paper, and through the data set, so it could make sense. When I care so much, everything takes a backseat in my life. I have gone to bed at 6am the past few nights. My eyes are officially starting to hurt. I have become snippy with my family when I speak to them and I love speaking to them, because I am putting so much effort into what I do. But some part of me questions whether or not this is all worth it.
Yes, part of it is my fault that I started late. But I never mentioned that when I was going to start, the whole thing with my sister happened, and it messed me up. Not only did I meet a half sister, I met my half-sister’s ex-wife and learned things about him. How was I supposed to work on a paper when all of that is going on in my head? How many of you have gone through a situation like that, and how have you dealt with it because I need tips. I have more questions that answers. But I am also trying to protect myself. I don’t want to be let down or hurt by others anymore. I am putting myself first.
I always say that my blog is an extension of my journal. It is something that I am proud of and enjoy doing, so I have it in the hobbies section of my resume. Someone said that they looked at it, and the content might put off hiring managers with anxiety or procrastination. I understand where they are coming from. If you are reading this, hi. The anxiety thing does not bother me. If someone does not want to hire me because my anxiety might be a risk, thats up to them and I would not want to be a part of that place. I can’t change the anxiety and I can’t change what I have been through. But the procrastination comment bothered me. Doesn’t everyone procrastinate? On a serious note, it was more than procrastination. I did not mean to put off revising the essay because I didn’t want to do. I was going through something that messed with my head, overanalyzing this new piece of information. Other than this blog and my mom, no one really knows about the new sister thing.
Finding out about my sister wasn’t a bad thing. But it messed with me because I shut out that part of my life for so long. And I do not know how to deal with it in a way that does not hurt anyone.
2020 is the year that keeps on giving.