I don’t know when this is going up. I don’t know if this ever will be posted. And if you are seeing this, know that I wrote this on 23rd July 2020 at 10:00PM.
I wasn’t ready to talk about this. Honestly I don’t know if I ever will be ready to talk about this. Its not the easiest thing. If it wasn’t for me wondering about a particular mommy youtuber, these thoughts wouldn’t come up and this post wouldn’t be a thing.
If suicide if a trigger warning for you, please do not continue reading.
I just watched HaleeyandFamily’s latest youtube video about how she attempted suicide at the beginning of July. Listening to everything she said brought back all the feelings I experienced when my aunt committed suicide 2 years ago as well as my own struggles with mental health.
Honestly, I wish I knew why my aunt committed suicide. I will never know the full story. I will never know how she felt. But I will never judge her or hold a grudge against her for what she did.
Two days before she committed suicide, I saw and spent the day with my aunt. I remember hugging her goodbye, having lunch and being upset with her over something petty. I remembered she seemed happy to spend the day with us, that nothing was wrong. But I guess I was the one who was wrong.
Before she did what she did, she called my uncle. Since he was busy at the time he said he would call her back but he forgot.
After she died, we learned that she may have been domestically abused. And now its a he-say-she-say situation – her daughter says one thing, her husband says another. Like I said, I don’t know the truth, and I will never know.
There are so many what ifs running through my head:
- what if my uncle had picked up the phone?
- what if we knew about the situation?
- what if we recognized something was wrong?
Obviously changing the past affects the future. But reality check is that we can’t do that. What’s done is done.
What I do know is that everything changed. Her children don’t have a mother, including her 9year old son at that time. I understood what it felt to lose someone and hold all those feelings in for months. I saw what its like for someone to lose a daughter. I understood all the money that is spent on funerals and all the drama that comes with it.
Where I’m from, people look down upon suicide. My grandmother says that my aunt embarrassed my family. I can’t sit there judging my aunt for what she did because that would make me a hypocrite. What if people knew that sometimes I wondered what if I am no longer a burden? There were times, I thought about what would happen if I’m no longer alive. I’m curious what her response and reaction would be to hearing that. As much as that would solve your problems, you end up hurting those who love and care about you [even if they may not want to admit that].
Haylee said something that stuck with me.
We should check on our friends, our family, our neighbours and ask how they are really doing. Do not accept them saying that they are good, that things are fine. Ask them because it is easy to say that you are fine, to hide your problems and to move on to the next thing. It is easy to get caught up in everybody’s issues that you forget yourself.
I know that I am guilty of pretending that things are fine when they are not. Of putting everyones problems on my back, and shoving my aside, only for it to come out in a not so nice way.
Everyone struggles with some mental health issue. The only difference is that some struggle more than others, and there are so many different types of mental health issues. As a society we need to stop looking down upon those with mental health issues. We need to be accepting and supporting of these problems because we are all going through shit. And I am hoping that as gen y’s, gen z’s and gen alpha’s we can be better than those idiots with their heads stuck in their asses. Just last year, I had an argument with a pastor of all people, because he refused to believe that mental health is an issue and not something that can be cured by God. And I admit that it was not one of my best moments.
Two years later, I still question whether or not I am actually better. Maybe one day it might happen, I just don’t know when. Last year, I was on the TTC (Toronto’s subway) and saw an advertisement telling individuals to help those who might be thinking of committing suicide. I left that 5 minute ride bawling my eyes out because it triggered me. And no I wasn’t anywhere close to home. I still had to take 2 more buses. [If you’re from the GTA its the GO bus and MiWay]. Who knew my night would involve crying in front of a whole bunch people trying to get home.
ps. writing this ended up being a bit therapeutic for me. No tears were made in the process.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, please please please reach out to someone.