This past week I have been struggling with my depression.
All I do is stay in bed. I barely answer my messages. Have not been on my blog. My room is trash. I haven’t been applying to jobs.
I just don’t give a fuck anymore.
I’m not saying this for you to feel sorry for me. I am not having a mental breakdown. I guess I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to. I’m putting it out there because there has to be someone out there, going through shit as well and have no one.
Sometimes I wish I can explain it to people, but I know they would get it. It feels draining. Just being able to accomplish something simple as return a message or put away some clothes is amazing. All my mom sees is me under my blanket, facing the wall.
I know should be happy, but pretending is just too hard and takes up too much energy.
My birthday is this weekend and I am not looking forward to it. You would think that for a day that comes once a year, I would be over the moon. There just isn’t anything to look forward to. I don’t need a party or presents. I just need my cousin and my dog to enjoy it. Maybe some cake and pizza, and call it a day. But I don’t have them this year and it just doesn’t feel the same you know.
Fun fact, I actually got my dog the day before my birthday. He’s the best birthday gift I have ever gotten. And this year would have marked 4 years with him. I miss him.
A lots been going on in my mind lately.
- Not being to attend my cousin’s graduation was hard. We are a pair and he’s the closest thing I have to a brother.
- My grandfather has not been feeling well. I just can’t lose someone so soon again.
- All the rejection emails from jobs I applied to. Its fun. Some times it makes me feel like I am not good enough. I’m trying to believe that the universe is looking out for me, but that shit is hard.
- My family still have not gotten the stuff I sent for them. Its over 5 weeks. We keep on calling the office but its like they don’t care.
- I still have not heard back from the interview I did last week. I know if I have not by now, I definitely did not get it. So the waiting is worse than the actual rejection.
- Can companies put effort into sending a better rejection email. Send it from a real person, not a do-not-reply generated email. It gets old really quick
Like I said, don’t feel sorry for me. I have accepted being depressed. I just wanted to get out everything thats been on my mind.