This past week I have been struggling with my depression.
All I do is stay in bed. I barely answer my messages. Have not been on my blog. My room is trash. I haven’t been applying to jobs.
I just don’t give a fuck anymore.
I’m not saying this for you to feel sorry for me. I am not having a mental breakdown. I guess I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to. I’m putting it out there because there has to be someone out there, going through shit as well and have no one.
Sometimes I wish I can explain it to people, but I know they would get it. It feels draining. Just being able to accomplish something simple as return a message or put away some clothes is amazing. All my mom sees is me under my blanket, facing the wall.
I know should be happy, but pretending is just too hard and takes up too much energy.
My birthday is this weekend and I am not looking forward to it. You would think that for a day that comes once a year, I would be over the moon. There just isn’t anything to look forward to. I don’t need a party or presents. I just need my cousin and my dog to enjoy it. Maybe some cake and pizza, and call it a day. But I don’t have them this year and it just doesn’t feel the same you know.
Fun fact, I actually got my dog the day before my birthday. He’s the best birthday gift I have ever gotten. And this year would have marked 4 years with him. I miss him.
A lots been going on in my mind lately.
- Not being to attend my cousin’s graduation was hard. We are a pair and he’s the closest thing I have to a brother.
- My grandfather has not been feeling well. I just can’t lose someone so soon again.
- All the rejection emails from jobs I applied to. Its fun. Some times it makes me feel like I am not good enough. I’m trying to believe that the universe is looking out for me, but that shit is hard.
- My family still have not gotten the stuff I sent for them. Its over 5 weeks. We keep on calling the office but its like they don’t care.
- I still have not heard back from the interview I did last week. I know if I have not by now, I definitely did not get it. So the waiting is worse than the actual rejection.
- Can companies put effort into sending a better rejection email. Send it from a real person, not a do-not-reply generated email. It gets old really quick
Like I said, don’t feel sorry for me. I have accepted being depressed. I just wanted to get out everything thats been on my mind.
Arristella 
Sorry I’m commenting on your blog posts. You must be sick and tired of seeing my comments… again, this blog post is relatable. I’m a depressed person and get what this feeling is like. You are not alone… I get what it’s like not having anyone to talk to or explain shit to because either a) they brush it off b) they can’t relate or c) they’re emotionally unavailable or d) completely unavailable when you need them most.
Idk if you have had he chance to see a therapist, and I can imagine it’s especially hard given the pandemic. However, if you get a chance to do that please try it. They can help. They are trained to listen to our problems and give practical suggestions that actually work. I found that CBT was surprisingly helpful and to this day I still implement some of the tactics I learned. Unfortunately, I’m unable to see them right now so I make do with self-help podcasts and books. Similarly, I don’t have anyone else to talk to so I’m forced to be friends with myself lol. Last year I was majorly depressed and suicidal. I take things day by day… some days are better than others.
Instead of focusing on everything that’s wrong, try practicing gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for and it’s a great mental distraction too. Write down 5 things that you are grateful for and reflect on it. And if that doesn’t work, try writing a letter to a friend. Just some ideas to get you out of your own headspace. 🧘♀️🌱
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Don’t apologize for commenting on it. I’m okay with that. This blog is meant to be relatable and real. Its to talk about things that are bothering me and I do not want to talk to others about it.
I have wanted to see a therapist for a while and one day I have to because I have a lot of shit to get through. What’s preventing me right now is the cost of therapy. It costs anywhere between $100-$200 a session, and I can’t afford it. The moment I can afford it, I will definitely go.
I agree that you can always write down your feelings. This is why I may have about 15 filled journals right now because I have been doing that for the past 3+ years. I also practice gratitude. But some days are just harder than others.
Like you said, you take things day by day. I hope you are feeling better and if you ever need someone to speak to, I’m always there.
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What can I say… Canadians apologize a lot 😂 I applaud you for finding the energy to write a blog post. I can barely find the energy to get out of bed most days, and I often don’t have the energy to do productive things. That’s true that therapy can cost a fortune. My campus had free therapy sessions for students. Idk if your campus has that… as an alumni/grad student you should still have access to that service.
Oh wow… 15 journals! Good for you for writing your thoughts down on paper and keeping a track record. Agreed, some days are harder than others. Correct me if I’m wrong, but is the depression situational? Often times, depression comes in waves. If this depression has been consistently worse than usual due to your current situation, it might be situational depression. I recommend looking into that. 🧘♀️🌱
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Oh yeah I remembered Canadians always apologize.
I’m going to be honest, my posts are always spontaneous. I never intend to write whatever I talk about. Its usually whatever’s on my mind. And writing it out gets it out of my head.
So my school does offer “short-term” counselling but I think I might need a lot more. But now that i am an alum, they don’t really have it anymore. As for journaling, oopsie. I said, there’s a lot on my mind, but I have also made it a habit, so now I can’t go a day without writing 2 pages. I actually have a harder time finding the perfect notebook, because I am that extra.
I’ve struggled with depression off and on for years, but certain situations make it worse than others. Missing home, this pandemic, losing my aunt and uncle, trying to find a job. But I feel now its like things are piling up one on top of the other.
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You are not alone. I know how you feel. Sending love and positive vibes to you.
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Awww thank you for saying that.
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You’re Welcome🙂
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I can understand being depressed at a time like this. My anxiety is higher than ever with having to be careful to not catch the virus at my job. I can understand the stresses of searching and applying to a job. For over a year, I had been searching for a new better job. I never got any of the jobs I applied for and never got a good reason as to why. Everything will get better sooner than you think
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Aww thanks for saying that. I am trying to believe that it will all get better, but some days are harder than others.
I’m also hoping that you stay safe.
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Thank you ❤️
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