Like, every other day, I spent today in pyjamas, in bed. No surprise there. But this time it was different. I have been struggling the past few days. And instead of trying to accept it and deal with it, I’m pushing it aside and pretending that everything is fine when I know it not.
I am pretending that I am not upset. That I am not angry. That I don’t want to cry.
There is just so much going on. And as much as I try to be positive and not compare myself to others, its hard. Its hard to believe in myself. Its hard to see the silver lining. Its hard not to hurt myself or fly my laptop across the room. Its just not the fact that I can’t see my dog and go on vacation. Its that I feel lonely. And I’m still battling my demons and my past every day. Its that that self sabotage and push away everyone. Its that I am tired of telling my story to people I think I can trust, only for them to leave. Its that I am trying to put others first, and not take of myself. Its that I feel ugly, from my weight to my acne, and how people make fun of me. Its that I feel like a disappointment to my family after so much they have given me. That my degree is probably useless and I not going to get a job.
So I choose to sleep my day away or be in an imaginary world because I hate mine..
I think the only reason why I am not actually depressed is because I take anti-depressants. Thank god the doctor increased my anti-depressants to 100mg.
Isn’t that a fucked up way to think?
Isn’t it pathetic that this blog is the only place that I can say how I truly feel? I don’t want people to pity me. I am just tired of pretending..