Isn’t that a fucked up way to think?

Like, every other day, I spent today in pyjamas, in bed. No surprise there. But this time it was different. I have been struggling the past few days. And instead of trying to accept it and deal with it, I’m pushing it aside and pretending that everything is fine when I know it not.

I am pretending that I am not upset. That I am not angry. That I don’t want to cry.

There is just so much going on. And as much as I try to be positive and not compare myself to others, its hard. Its hard to believe in myself. Its hard to see the silver lining. Its hard not to hurt myself or fly my laptop across the room. Its just not the fact that I can’t see my dog and go on vacation. Its that I feel lonely. And I’m still battling my demons and my past every day. Its that that self sabotage and push away everyone. Its that I am tired of telling my story to people I think I can trust, only for them to leave. Its that I am trying to put others first, and not take of myself. Its that I feel ugly, from my weight to my acne, and how people make fun of me. Its that I feel like a disappointment to my family after so much they have given me. That my degree is probably useless and I not going to get a job.

So I choose to sleep my day away or be in an imaginary world because I hate mine..

I think the only reason why I am not actually depressed is because I take anti-depressants. Thank god the doctor increased my anti-depressants to 100mg.

Isn’t that a fucked up way to think?

Isn’t it pathetic that this blog is the only place that I can say how I truly feel? I don’t want people to pity me. I am just tired of pretending..

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A quirky, possibly crazy 22 year old talking about her life and doggie.

6 thoughts on “Isn’t that a fucked up way to think?

  1. I think it’s totally reasonable to feel down in the dumps sometimes. I also find it kinda ironic how antidepressants are making you feel worse… aren’t they supposed to help lift your spirits? I used to take them but decided to quit and never looked back. Then I got a cat.

    There are days where I still feel down in the dumps (past week). I too have been sleeping a lot and have been lounging in my pajamas. If you ever need a friend to talk to, feel free to message me on WhatsApp or text me. If you email me at hilary_harm_7@hotmail.com, I would be happy to give you my number. Stay strong 🙏💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I feel better now. I guess sometimes everything builds and all the emotions come out. But I will reach out if it happens again.
      Unfortunately, I can’t really get a pet right now where I live, so the medication is my only option. I also take it for my anxiety.

      My mom had fish, but I wouldn’t call them a pet because it didn’t feel the same.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I had a fish prior to getting the cat and I didn’t have an emotional attachment to that fish. Ironically, it died the day after my life turned to $hit.

        There’s nothing wrong with taking medication. I’ve taken it in the past to get through hardships and major depression. Do what you gotta do if it helps you feel better✌️💕

        Liked by 1 person

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