Its been about a month since I last cried. Until tonight when I reflected about how I’ve been feeling in my journal.
Lately, I’ve become distant and pretending that everything’s okay when its not. I’ve been sleeping my days away, watching The Good Doctor , reading and staring at the wall. The Good Doctor is a good show and I have been trying to get back into reading, so not complaining about that. But staring at the wall and ceiling isn’t exactly that I would consider normal. And I’ve abandoned my blog, which I love doing but I don’t want to have to force myself to do anymore.
Like I said a while ago, I’ve pretending that everything’s okay when its not. And that has caused me to become sad.
With everything going on, I feel like I do not have the right to be sad about what you could consider “petty” and that my problems are “not that big of an issue”. But they matter to me. So I do have a right to be sad about everything I have lost.
I have a right to be sad about getting a B+ in 2 of my courses. I was about 5 points from an A. They were not even my hardest courses and I worked my ass off, but because of how life plays out, I guess I’m stuck with the B+.
I have a right to be sad about not graduating. I know you do not need to do it, but I’ve spent the past four years working my ass off, pushing through grief, anxiety, depression, self-harm, home-sickness, loneliness, bronchitis and way too many sinus infections to count.
I have a right to be sad about not seeing my doggie. He is my best friend and my other half and has gotten me through hell. and back, whether that is losing my aunt and uncle and feeling deserving when I gave up. And the fact that I can’t be with him and get cuddles, or even know when the next time I will be able to see him, breaks my heart every single fucking day.
I have a right to be sad about the things that matter to me.