Feeling Like A Failure and Disappointment

Last month I applied to this undergraduate research conference and last week I got an email saying that my project was accepted. I was happy but at the back of my mind I thought I couldn’t go

Now I am struggling to decide whether or not I want to go.

I’m the type of person who has the mindset that the worst that could happen is being told no. But sometimes I feel like the biggest dilemma happens after hearing yes.

When I applied I didn’t think that my project was going to be accepted. Knowing my luck I never get anything easily. So getting the email that it was accepted made me feel special. I’m not sure how many applications there were, but I am guessing it is a lot. And since it is not my university hosting this conference there, I am assuming not many external submissions accepted. So how mine was chosen, I am not sure.

The event itself is free but since it is out of province and it lasts an entire weekend, I would have to pay for travel and accommodation. When I first mentioned to my mom that I was interested in it, she brought up the finances situation. So when it got accepted, that was at the back of my mind. I couldn’t afford it. When I mentioned the situation to my grandmother, she offered to pay for it for me because she is proud of me.

Since the money part of it is out of the equation, it should make the decision to go easier. But instead, its been harder. I don’t know what to do and I have less than 2 weeks to figure my shit out.

That weekend, I have an essay due and the Monday following that conference, I am supposed to take my graduation photos. I planned to straighten my hair for it, but thats going to be hard if I get back in the night. Lets just say I have a lot of hair. Even though I am used to planes and love travelling, I don’t want to go by myself. My mom asked me to ask my grandmother is she would be interested in going. I haven’t asked her and I don’t know if she would. Too be honest, I could take care of these problems easily.

I think the biggest problem I am struggling with, is actually fear. Some part of me does not feel good enough to present. Yes I have worked on this project for a while and I know this information, but some part of me feels like a fuck up. Like I am not smart enough or I am an imposter in all of that. I am not afraid of making a fool out of myself, but afraid of letting people down. I am not afraid of presenting or my anxiety (for once). I just feel like a complete failure.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way. And I know these negative thoughts are making my decision so hard.

I want to go to grad school, so getting that experience would be amazing. But its so hard to not feel like a fucking failure, to disappoint everyone. I grew up being made to feel like an idiot by my teachers at school. So now that I get to prove to myself that I am deserving of this, I can’t do it. I just don’t fucking understand.

I can’t even explain how much this decision has been bothering me for almost a week now. And I don’t know if its bad, but I have not even told my professor about that yet. I am a shitty person.

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Update [13th March 2020]; The conference ended up being cancelled.