Tonight, as I started writing in my journal, I only got through one sentence before starting to cry. All it said was
Its been 5 months since Brian died.
After that, I couldn’t continue with my thoughts. I planned to talked about my day. Just babble about useless things, not how I actually feel. And it made me realize that although I have been writing in my journal, I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been talking about how I feel. And my journal was MY safe space to write. But somehow, over the past few weeks, its not.
Tonight I have realized I have been pretending that everything’s okay when its not been. I have been so miserable the past few weeks. I’m struggling with my mental health every day. I don’t even want to get out of bed because that’s my safe space. I’m struggling with school; the material, trying to fit in, trying to figure out what I want. And I’m struggling with my feelings. I’m still grieving.
And tonight it hit me that this year is going to be the first Christmas that I don’t get to spend with my uncle. I’ve always said that I have never spent a Christmas apart from my grandparents, but I’ve also never spent one without my uncles as well. This year is going to be the first. Thing is Christmas is my favourite time of year. But family means more to me. And I don’t have a full family this year. That hurts and I am struggling with that idea. I’m missing a piece of me