Before I got back to Canada, I expected to go back to my normal routine; the hustle and bustle, trying to be productive and maybe try to be a bit social. I’ve been here for 2 weeks so far, and that has not happened. I’ve spent money mostly on Starbucks and commuting, but other than that, I have been miserable.
The past two weeks, I have spent in bed either crying, anxious or depressed. Getting out of bed has been hard and rare for me since I have been exhausted and have had no motivation to do anything. I have barely spoken to my friends and the number of messages I have that’s not been answered, is growing daily. I have barely touched my blog, when I have ideas constantly floating through my head and I have draft posts that need to be edited since they were written weeks ago.
Instead all I have done in that time is binge watch Legacies and Private Practice. I do not regret binge-watching so much television, but I know that I am NOT okay.
I expected to feel a bit sad when I came back. Its happened before because transitioning between countries seems to be a hard thing for me. However, I did not expect it to be as bad as it was. With everything that I went through the past few months, being back here made me lose myself a bit. My doggie used to help me deal with all of it, but he’s not here with me anymore. And right now I have not gotten back into full school mode, so I have don’t have that as a distraction. I don’t have friends who understand what I am going through or who I can confide in. And my medication does not seem to be working lately or something. So I’ve been dealing with it all alone, and that caused me to be secluded from the outside world and hide in my bed. It felt like my safe space. I know that its not the best thing to do and that its not a long term solution. But that was all that I could have done. Its not my fault, I am NOT okay.
Thankfully I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on September 9th and hopefully it helps somewhat with how I have been feeling. If not, I need to find another solution because I cannot be stuck in bed forever.
But you know what, if there is anything I have learnt is that:
- Its okay to not be okay.
- Its okay to cry.